I’ve been wresting around this past evening with what to write exactly.  I’m still not sure I’ve come to a complete conclusion, and what I write may be a mess, but here it goes.  

To be honest, I’ve had quite a bit of things on my mind as of late.  Some of those things I wish I could express here, in written form.  But I fear it would not be constructive or conducive to those reading.  Also, as my friend Danny always says (well something like this anyway), “What would be benefited from doing this?  Would it be a positive result, or a negative one?”  He’s got me to think about a few things I’ve wanted to say.  I’m thankful for that accountability.

I guess some of what I’ve been struggling with is some internal turmoil of thoughts that I just need to give to God and let go.  I know that sounds cliche, but I don’t know what else to do with them.  Either I dwell on them and allow them to destroy me, or I let them go, and allow God to take care of them.  Honestly I dwell on a lot of stuff, I think if I can just say the right thing at the right time, God will smack’em on the forehead of reality and they will see where I am coming from and understand.  In turn I feel like I must pretend (say the right things or act a certain way) to appease those around me to “fit in”, to be accepted or be liked, or to agree with their particular view on things. So often we get wrapped up in this in the church and our little groups within.  Sometimes I feel like I say things, and later I feel like I need to apologize for them.  

I question what I say and even if I really believe it.  I feel strangely wronged because I think others should feel the same way, or at least be convicted like I am and reciprocate some sorta of feedback.  Perhaps there is a sense in my life and a longing for people to be where I am at (not that I am better or worse), to understand where I am at, and what I came from.  I’m not sure most (99%) people even care.  

Back in May I had some time with friends who were moving out of the area. A year before this transition for them, I had not really spoken with them, and chose not to interact with them.  Over a course of a few days before they left I got to sit down and talk with them, and sort some things out.  The night before they left a few buddies of mine went out to eat with them and had a great time.  I came home that night and was thinking about that experience.  There was such freedom, all pretenses of the environment (which happened to be church) were stripped from care and concern.  We could enjoy each other, we could be real. There was authenticity and openness in our conversation.  Here is my thoughts from that evening:

Its interesting to me the past couple of days the opportunity to be in situations that don’t lend to a bond or a set of rules, to regulations, and things that keep us from being who we really are.  Finding freedom, not sinning, to be open, real, and just be alive.  To not feel like condemned or judged if one mess’s up or goes out of the bounds of being the normal little good christian boys and girl were supposed to be,  in following and doing what’s expected.  That we are not faking it.  That we are true in the sense that its not about rules, or feelings, or condemnation from others.  That were afraid well be judged for what we do.  But were finding a sense of freedom and grace….openness, so often the church, organization, or group holds over yours and my head. 

I don’t know..it seems more evident to me that we try to perform…I haven’t had to do that for a year. We “perform” but often than not…we really aren’t were just being fake. We pretend.

I don’t want to be fake.  I want to be who I am in God, as His adopted son.  Made a saint through the justification of Christ’s death on the cross.  Why do we pull ourselves into a direction where we find obligation or rules that men create to dictate our lives. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying buck the system of the church or group.  But the reality is, I think, we hold others to a set standard that first of all, we make up, and secondly, we can’t keep ourselves.  If we could be honest about our weakness and struggles and to demonstrate love and grace, would not our lives reflect Christ to not only those in our church, but outside?

Can and does a genuine faith demonstrate a love for God, His word and allowing it to transform our life, not out of duty or obligation, but out of a desire to deepen a love relationship we have with Him really exists? Or do these few brief minutes in the morning or afternoon with the bible and short prayer time really have validity in making us “better”? Does God really want us to drone on working through these shallow acts and doing nothing with what He is speaking to us about?  Or am I the only one who struggles and gets frustrated with self about this?

Tags: authenticity, random thoughts, transparent

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