I’ll be honesty I don’t feel like writing this right now.  I feel like I am running out of steam.  I’m tired.  Its been pretty hot and humid and the heat has just been sucking the energy out of me.  But I am going to give it a shot anyway.

One thing I struggle with almost constantly is feeling lonely.  I guess sometimes I don’t mind it.  It helps me think through things, look at life, circumstances and such. In these moments I get to listen and read a bit that gives great input.  By the weakness to this is that I don’t get to allow things to flow back out and bounce thoughts and idea’s off others (in most circumstances).  But it gets old quite a bit.  I do a good bit on my own actually, go out to eat, hang out at different places, go home and kinda just spend time to myself.

If you know me, or have spent much time around me at all, you know that I am not really a go getter when it comes to starting conversations, or taking the initiative interact with others, etc.  Usually when I am comfortable with that person will I be more open.  Its a security thing.

The other thing is, even when I hang out with people I feel the same way.  There are often times when I am hanging out with groups of people and I often feel like the odd man out.  I can remember times back in high school too where I would just sit in the gym after a concert or school event, in a area full of people and feel completely alone and isolated. I could stand still and time would just past by, no one notice.

I write this not as a pity party or a sympathy note to myself.  I just find this as a pretty big weakness in who I am.  I don’t think my reserve personality will dissipate, in fact I hope it doesn’t, but I know there are area’s that I need and can grow in that would change perspectives, etc.  I guess I’ve become comfortable in allowing myself to slump into this and have become lazy.  God’s grace and the ability to change me through the Holy Spirit is what I need to allow Him to change me and become the person He wants me to be. I think it will be a bit of a struggle.  But I pray God’s grace be sufficient.

I am blessed that my best friend,  Jeremy is a tremendous song writer.  His song’s, even though I’m pretty sure weren’t written from any influence I have had at the time of writing, have spoken volumes to my heart and have encouraged me.  (I just need to get him to record these songs so I can listen to them on a more regular basis. ).

He wrote a song called Alone. Here is the lyrics.

Life is like this seems to tired to be so lonely
skies fall short of finding
skies do you hold the answers?
who holds you together?
when i feel alone, i don’t have to be alone
when i feel afraid, i don’t have to fear anymore…
lonely man, hurting ones, there are arms to hold you
love, to whole you
strength to keep you going
and a home to go when you’re going

Hope that is at least some sort of encouragement for you.

Tags: authenticity, Confessions, transparent

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