Actually.

I’m quite obsessed with all the wrong things.

I’ve halted my normal reads, that I have yet to finish, to read a book called “Crazy Love :: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God” - by Francis Chan. It’s a really simple read. Its also a hardcore deep cutting book of self evaluation. It has simply ripped me open and shown me how selfish I really am. I am a creature of comforts and I want my nice, happy god to work for me. I want to hold him in clenched fist, and control him and tell him what to do, and how to do it. This isn’t really God. I have simply created something in my mind, that allows me to be my own god.

Chan talks through and teaches scripture that allows oneself to evaluate our status of cold, lukewarm or hot in our love for Christ. To be a lukewarm Christian is a oxymoron. You are all or you are nothing.

I really don’t/didn’t want to look at myself through this lens. The very things I am “fighting” for, I am living in my own life. I don’t want to be a half hearted, doing what I need to get by, thinking what I am doing makes me a good guy in God’s eyes type of Christian. I’m disgusted with myself, that we even think that our relationship with God is driven to perform in this give and take idea. Maybe it isn’t for you, but it is for me this way..if I just read the bible just a little bit more, if I can stay awake a little bit longer so I can pray a little bit longer. If I could just lay one more tract in the bathroom stall, I’ll get my reward for sharing the gospel, and maybe for someone getting saved. If I could just stop swearing, or drinking to much. I got to perform for my boss, my coworkers, my friends, my family, yet, I realize I’m that guy. I live driven to do just that, perform, to just get by, to be loved, and yet remain distracted by life and these duties of the faith. Distracted, perhaps… but consumed is a bit more plausible idea to this situation. I am lukewarm to the core.  Does a relationship based on Grace and Love really work this way?

In the last few chapters Chan talks about giving away all of us, living our best life later, we have a choice to give God our leftovers or run in reckless abandonment towards Christ, forsaking all that this world has to offer.

I’m obsessed with the wrong things, I often get caught up in the trappings and the shiny things of this world.  My life is a poor reflection of my love towards Christ.  I am honestly scared to even pursue this.  I am scared of what is required of my life. How shameful of me, when Christ gave His all, for mine.

A person who is obsessed is characterized by committed, settled, passionate love for God, above and before every other thing and every other being.

Am I obsessed?

Tags: authenticity, Confession, transparent

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