Today marks the one year point since I left my church of 23 years. I still attend a church, it’s just not this one in particular.  Don’t get me wrong, its not a time of celebration, I’m not breaking out the champagne or the noise makers – though that’s a good idea, maybe, just kidding.  But I got to thinking about this the past couple weeks.  It’s interesting the perspective I’ve gained and how God has shaped and moved me since last year. 

I stepped away from being heavily involved in a few ministries…because of this I got to see some of the inner workings of this particular church.  A lot of frustration and discouragement was developed on my end and I feel I even got burnt out to some extent (a sad thing at 26 years old too).  Enough was enough, and I walked away.  This was a hard moment in my life, so many friendships, so many memories, to many people I loved their (particularly the youth that I was involved with). Sadly you get to see what your relationships where really based on (did they really go beyond the church?).

While I am still dealing with my feelings, emotions, and struggles even now, a year later, I believe God is restoring me and healing me into the man He wants me to be.  Its been a long road, and I know it will continue to be.  It’s been hard to deal with the thoughts and emotions of those who I felt hurt me and let me down.  It’s hard to forgive them.  And I am not sure I am quite to the point that I can say “I forgive”.  I know we are not suppose to follow men, ultimately it is God and only God we are to follow, but I believe God places people in our lives that He has enabled to lead others into a closer relationship with Christ.  It’s not a position that is to be held on a pedestal or some thought of higher ranking, but of one that should be of utmost humility and servant hood, this goes for any church.  To some level we are to follow others as they follow Christ, but this simply does not extend to the people we pay.  Its men and women alike in the church, those who have gone before us, so those after us, will carry on the love of God, and neighbor.  Pastors are like shepard’s of the flock, they are to make sure all the sheep make their way, the best they know how and to the best of their ability, they are the ones paid by the church, to equip those who are not,  to have the greatest impact.

So I turn my head and look back as I continue forward and I see a few transforming moments in my life this past year that I believe has drawn me closer to God.  I think God has used this certain point in my life to work on me.  Not the things I initially raised concern about, or was frustrated about.  While I still have a deep burden for those things to change (in regards to the church) I feel God was wanting to change me, and could only do so with me moving out of where I was.  Through various teachings and scripture I have been repainted a picture of what my faith should look like.  One that is of adoption, forgiveness and freedom in God’s kingdom.  That I can not be turned away, or disavowed, that my faith is not based on merit or performance or how much I pray or read the bible.  That I can and should live in such a way that there is freedom in who I am, to not feel like because I’m sinning because of a man made rule.  The book of Ephesians, Galatians and Romans have been particularly instrumental during this change in reshaping my heart and understanding who I am, and how Christ views me.  I have some great friends and family that have come along side me, challenged me and helped move me beyond where I was at and am forever grateful.  While I have not stepped into ministry or any sort since leaving, I am thankful for the new people I have meet, the fellowship and the interaction I have had with them. 

Perhaps I am searching for more, perhaps I’m not quite where I’d like to be.  Not comfortable or settling for mediocrity, but in authentic relationships and fellowship with other believers that will challenge me, make me think, pull me out of my perceived ideas about God and show me something about God that I have never seen before.  As awkward as this sounds…I’m glad I left my church.

I’ll try to share some more thoughts and more specific area’s God has changed me…during this blog series.

Tags: authenticity, Confessions, transparent

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